english jokes

My pet : : : Posts : 29 Join date : 2009-08-09 Age : 35

I found that every one tells arabic jokes,,so i picked some funny english jokes for u,, they too have a sense of humour,,but the Egyptians win ofcourse Smile

Three friends - Aboriginal, Jew and Australian, spend each night together drinking beer in an outback pub. One night as they're leaving, a road-train comes through the town and kills all three. The next day, the publican is surprised to see the Australian - who assumed dead - walked through the door. The Australian tells him, "Well, we were all killed, but when we got to the pearly gates, St. Peter said we could come back to earth if we pay him $20."
"Well, obviously, you paid up, but what happened to your friends?"
"The jew's trying to haggle him down to $10, and the aboriginal is trying to convince him that the government will pay for it."

Q: How many men does it take to wallpaper a room?
A: One, but you must slice him really thin.
A man asked for a meal in a restaurant. The waiter brought the food and put it on the table. After a moment, the man called the waiter and said:

"Waiter! Waiter! There's a fly in my soup!"
"Please don't speak so loudly, sir," said the waiter, "or everyone will want one."

What is the longest word in the English language?

"Smiles". Because there is a mile between its first and last letters!

An English teacher wrote these words on the whiteboard: "woman without her man is nothing". The teacher then asked the students to punctuate the words correctly.

The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."

The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."

One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head. The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust. The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer, and continued drinking it, as if nothing had happened. The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer, and started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BAS**RD!!!!"

A Scottish farmer was in his field digging up his tatties (a Scots word for potatoes). An American farmer looked over the fence and said
"In Texas we grow potatoes 5 times larger than that!"
The Scotsman replied " Ah but we just grow them for our own mouths!"

1st Eskimo: Where did your mother come from?
2nd Eskimo: Alaska
1st Eskimo: Don't bother, I'll ask her myself!

Charles was getting annoyed and shouted upstairs to his wife," Hurry up or we'll be late."
"Oh, be quiet," replied his wife. "Haven't I been telling you for the last hour that I'll be ready in a minute?"

There was an Scotsman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Wales. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train,there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Scotsman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped.

The Englishman was thinking: 'The Scottish fella must have kissed
Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.'
Claudia Schiffer was thinking: 'The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Scotsman and got slapped for it.'
And the Scotsman was thinking: 'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make that kissing noise and slap that English b**tard again .

Jim was speeding along the road one fine day when the local policeman, a friend of his, pulled him over. "What's wrong, Eric?" Jim asked. "Well didn't you know, Jim, that your wife fell out of the car about five miles back?" said Eric. "Ah, praise God!" he replied with relief. "I thought I'd gone deaf!"

A Scots boy came home from school and told his mother he had been given a part in the school play. "Wonderful," says the mother, "What part is it?" The boy says "I play the part of the Scottish husband!" The mother scowls and says: "Go back and tell your teacher you want a speaking part."

An Irishman had no idea his wife was having an affair, so he was mad with grief when coming home early one day he surprised her and her lover in the act.

He grabbed a pistol and pointed it at his head, which made his wife burst out laughing.
"What do you think you're laughing at," he cried, "you're next."

Mike and his pregnant wife live on a farm in a rural area in the west of England. No running water, no electricity, etc. One night, Mikes' wife is begins to deliver the baby. The local doctor is there in attendance. "What d'ya want me to do, Doctor?" "Hold the lantern, Mike. Here it comes!" the doctor delivers the child and holds it up for the proud father to see.
"Mike, you're the proud father of a fine strapping boy." "Saints be praised, I..." Before Mike can finish the Doctor interrupts, "Wait a minute. Hold the lantern, Mike." Soon the doctor delivers the next child. "You've a full set now, Mike. A beautiful baby daughter."
"Thanks be to..."
Again the Doctor cuts in, "Hold the lantern, Mike, Hold the lantern!" Soon the Doctor delivers a third child. The doctor
holds up the baby for Mike's inspection.
"Doctor," asks Mike, "Do you think it's the light that's attracting them?"

The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

Conclusion: Eat and drink what you like. It's speaking English that

kills you.

I hope u like it,, coz i do

Subject: Re: english jokes Sat Aug 15, 2009 8:26 am

Q: How many men does it take to wallpaper a room?
A: One, but you must slice him really thin.
de aktar wa7da 3agabetny Very Happy

w nokatna a7la bekteer tab3an Very Happy

: : Posts : 4 Join date : 2009-08-29

ana 3gbny bt3et el punctuate de 7lowa awi asln kant 3andy fe ktab:D